New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
