I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
