I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
