I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
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