I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
