I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
