My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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