the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
