I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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