Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
