Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
