I cut my penus on the lid.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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