TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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