He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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