just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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