It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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