Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
