I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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