I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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