I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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