My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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