if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
