I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
