We need to start having sex underwater more often.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
