Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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