Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
