K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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