I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
