Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
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