Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
