i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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