you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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