i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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