Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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