I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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