I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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