two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
