Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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