I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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