On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
