What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
