I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
