Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
