and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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