he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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