Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
