Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
