Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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