I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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