I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
