Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
